Do you ever wonder what happened to your old self, where & the confidence you once had disappeared to? Well, this is my story of how I lost & regained my confidence.

I wasn’t born shy. I remember attending Sunday school, where I would be given the longest memory verses & most challenging parts of the scripts because I could confidently stand & recite these in front of the congregation, despite being younger than most of the children. Leadership also came naturally to me, & my peers generally looked up to me for guidance. In primary school, I took on various leadership roles, including being the deputy head girl. So why did I cry in front of everybody when I was asked to lead the prayers during our final prayer day? It’s an embarrassing story that I rarely tell because that was the day I lost my confidence. The weight of expectation & self-doubt crushed me, & my tears betrayed my confidence. Labelled as the “Big Baby” & ridiculed by even my junior schoolmates I struggled to find my place from that moment on.

Amidst the taunts & whispers, I found solace in the pages of books. Within those bound worlds, I could escape the harsh reality, lose myself in fiction, or marvel at the wonders of science – my favourite subject. Books became my refuge, a sanctuary where I could exist without judgment.

Fast forward to high school, where my confidence received yet another blow. I met other students who I thought were better than me in various ways. They were prettier, came from wealthier families, had attended better schools, & got better grades. I couldn’t socialize with them due to the high school class stratification. We were commonly grouped into the RnBs (Rich & Beautiful) & the PnUs (Poor & Ugly). My self-doubt was amplified from then on.

I felt ashamed of my background & began to think I was not beautiful enough. Physically, I felt that my body failed me because I did not have a model figure. My friend & I used to joke about it, saying, “Kwani puberty ilitupita kama tumelala?”

On visiting days, I would feel humiliated when I saw all the cars parked in the field with other students & their families enjoying their time together while my mom came late & on foot. I would be happy to see her because I had missed her, but deep inside, I never stopped wondering why I wasn’t like the other kids.

Despite these internal battles, academia remained my stronghold. I excelled in my studies & found fulfilment in helping my classmates grasp complex concepts. Teaching others became my passion, a source of pride & affirmation in a world that often felt cold & indifferent. I found that concepts easily engraved themselves in my mind when I taught them to others & began to entertain the idea of group work. Although, at times I felt like my group members slowed me down as I had to take time to explain the topic, the more I repeated something, the more it stuck in my mind. No wonder I still remember most of the high school concepts to date.

However, due to my lack of confidence, I still struggled to connect with people beyond academics. Through those group sessions, I thought I was bonding & making friends. It turned out the friendships only thrived when we were working & learning together. Socially, things hadn’t changed.

I completed high school & joined university. University helped me understand my social awkwardness better. I couldn’t make friends & would never start a conversation unless someone else did. I lacked confidence in myself & always felt out of place in the presence of other people. However, after facing numerous challenges that eroded my confidence, I embarked on a journey to rediscover & strengthen my self-perception.

One pivotal moment was participating in the Jijali Mentorship Program, where I received invaluable guidance on overcoming social anxieties & enhancing my communication skills. Through this experience & other opportunities, I learned valuable strategies that I will share below to help you also boost your confidence:

1. Embracing Self-Discovery: Exploring my strengths, passions, & values laid a solid foundation for building confidence. By understanding what makes me unique & valuable, I cultivated a sense of self-worth that transcends external judgments.
2. Challenging Negative Self-Talk: Combatting self-doubt & negative self-perceptions is crucial in fostering confidence. I therefore started practicing positive affirmations, challenging limiting beliefs, & replacing self-criticism with self-compassion to nurture a more empowering mindset.
3. Stepping out of my Comfort Zone: Growth often occurs outside of the comfort zone. By taking small steps towards trying new experiences, engaging in social interactions, & pursuing personal goals, I was able to expand my confidence & resilience.
4. Seeking Support & Guidance: Mentorship programs, counselling, & support groups can provide valuable insights, encouragement, & tools to navigate challenges & enhance self-confidence. I surrounded myself with positive influences that could help me to believe in myself.
5. Practicing Self-Care: Prioritizing self-care, including physical exercise, mindfulness, adequate rest, & healthy boundaries, also contributed to my overall well-being & confidence. Taking care of your mental & physical health is essential in fostering a positive self-image.

By incorporating these strategies into my journey of self-discovery & growth, I gradually rebuilt my confidence & embraced my unique qualities. I am now about to graduate from university, having overcome my social anxiety & my awkwardness. Confidence is a journey. I keep reminding myself that each step I take towards self-empowerment brings me closer to realising my full potential.

Though I am still a work in progress, mentorship has been of great help in building my confidence & accepting myself for who I am. My background may shape my experiences, but it doesn’t define my worth. As the saying goes, “We left home to change home,” & I’m determined to make my parents proud. So, with newfound confidence & determination, I set forth to conquer the world & write the next chapter of my story.

Written by Susan Mathenge, Biomedical Student at Kenyatta University.